Struggles…the ballad of the single life

Oh boy!  Sometimes it is hard to stay patient isn’t it?!  Whether it is a tv show, love song, or social media, it seems like love is in the air in February. Everywhere you turn there is a couple holding hands or kissing.

I have never been the jealous type on Valentine’s Day and I actually don’t really notice the holiday.  (Well, besides for the cheap day after chocolate!)  This year I had a FFA event, so I didn’t even realize it was a holiday.  I did have the best valentine though…my pup, Ranger.  Dogs really are a girl’s best friend.

I thought that I was doing really good.  I had been feeling content and totally satisfied with being single.  I knew and still know that I am complete in Christ and don’t need anyone else to fill any vacancies in my life.  I know my impatience is Satan trying to trip me.  However, this last week spring fever got the best of me and I have been struggling.

I was out doing some local shopping when someone asked me if I was married and told me that I need to get on finding a husband.  It usually doesn’t bother me and I just smile and say if you find a good Christian guy to send him my way.  But, for some reason, this time it really got me thinking and wishing I was married.  This person didn’t mean anything by their comment and was joking, but it stuck.  Ever since that day I have been watching sappy romance shows, listening to my old favorite country love songs, and day dreaming about Mr. Right.

It is funny how our subconscious knows it’s wrong, but we do it anyway!  Thank goodness for His mercy and grace.  It has reminded me how fickle I can be sometimes and how close to the surface my flaws can be.  Why am I trying to fit in to this world?  Why am I not trusting in His timing?  Why am I using my time unwisely?

So, I guess this post is to show my weakness.  I don’t always have it together or even close.  I do struggle.  It’s not easy being single everyday.  Sometimes it is hard to wait.

I hope my acronym for patience helps you find peace today in your struggles!

P – pray harder

A – absolute truth meditation (read Bible)

T – think…about other things

I – identify your trigger

E – emotions are not truth

N – neighbor well and you won’t be alone

C – caution what you take in

E – engage in the here and now

Thanks for reading!  Time to pull on my cowboy boots and get back to the straight and narrow.

Psalms 23:1-3 “The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need.  He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.  He renews my strength.  He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.”

Galatians 5:22-23 “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  There is no law against these things!”

Singleness.

It has been three years since my first post about singleness.  Wow.  The time has flown by.  In a few weeks I will be turning 27.  I still have never been on a date.  I am still single.

My attitude for 2016 was expectant.  I thought this year would be the year that I would fall in love and get swept off my feet.  With only a few hours of 2016 left, I think it is safe to say that will not happen.  Up to about a week ago, there was a small part of me that was crushed.  Thoughts like “will I ever find someone” or “am I too this or that” were running through my mind.  The time is ticking.  I don’t know if it is just the Hallmark Christmas movies this time of year or my biological clock ringing in my ears, but I am reminded each day about being alone.

I have been waiting.  Oh, so expectantly and patiently waiting.  But, not just for a spouse.  I have been putting off all sorts of things.  Whether that be buying a house, going on a mission trip, moving to a new state, buying a nicer vehicle, getting a new horse, I have been waiting.  In my head it was all going to work out.  I would get married and then my life would start.  I wouldn’t want to do anything until I found my husband, right?

But, a week or so ago ago my attitude changed.  What in the world have I been thinking???  If I died tomorrow, would I be able to say that I have been living the life God meant for me?  Is marriage really the only thing that is going to make me happy?  Is marriage all of a sudden going to make my life become more exciting and meaningful?

I can answer all three of those questions with two words – probably not. You cannot wait until you find a boyfriend in order to start living your life.  Would it really be so bad if I woke up 20 years from now without a husband lying next to me?  Again, probably not.  If I am completely content in Christ and I am basking in His will, I should relish the fact that he has kept me single for a reason.  Isn’t He enough?  He is the author and creator of the universe, can’t I trust in His timing and judgement?

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:8 NLT, “So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows-it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.”  Matthew 19:10-11 recites, “Jesus’s disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”  “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said.  “Only those whom God helps.””  I can be completely sure that if God has led me into this season of singleness, I can trust in Him to sustain me.  Even if that means that I never leave it.

Before I know it I’m going to be in my 30’s and I don’t want to say that I wasted my 20’s doing nothing.  This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time in life, right?  I think that it is time that I stop waiting and start living.

No, I can hear what you are thinking.  I am still going to (hopefully) only date my future husband and I will be completely and totally pure for him and Him.  This is not me telling you that I’m going to throw my convictions out of the window.  I still completely stand by my belief that courting should only happen when you think you have found your future spouse and you have prayed long and hard about it.

However, what I am saying is I’m not going to wait for my husband to get here before I do the things that I want to do.  I want to experience life, whether that is with a boyfriend or not.  I want to travel and impact God’s kingdom in a large way.  I want to help the lost and hurting and celebrate with the successful.  I want to be a part of my church and take on new responsibilities.  I want to try new foods, make investments, and take a few risks.  I don’t want to be tied down to this boring life anymore.  I want to make the most out of every day that I have.  I shouldn’t wait for the best me to come out when I’m married.  I need to live the best version of myself today.

This is just the first of many blog posts to come about singleness.  Enjoy!

Looking Back on Days Gone By…

So, I have a new show that I like to watch.  It is called When Calls the Heart.  If you are into Christian romance novels or pioneer era stories, you have probably heard of Janette Oke, author of stories like the Love Comes Softly series.  I love her books and movies and this new television show is based off of her books.  I have to say that I am head over heals for this series and I cannot wait for season 4 to start in February.

Yes, I am still working on watching less tv and starting to “do” more things rather than “watch” other people do things.  However, this series has really hit home for me in more areas than one.  It has caused some major thinking to happen and has inspired some choices that I have/will make.

Everyone that I know says that I have an old soul.  I am basically an 80 year old in a 26 year old’s body.  I go to bed and eat supper early, I enjoy spending time with older people and children, and I enjoy going on walks.  I don’t like anything that’s inappropriate or lacking in modesty.  I would go without technology in a second if I could.  I think I could easily assimilate into living in a previous era.

It makes me wonder though, why do I have such high regard for previous generations?  Surely now we have it much easier than they did.  We have one-touch ordering and delivery, automatic bill paying, dish and clothes washers, fast cars and airplanes, cell phones, computers, calculators, medical robots, texting, etc.  We live in an era of convenience.  We have a wide variety of food, clothes, medicines, and personal items on every street corner.  If we want something now and don’t want to get out of our pjs, we can go to our computer and in 10 seconds order it and have it shipped to our door the next day.  Waiting and planning ahead are things of the past.  Everything is fast pace, high intensity, and low mental/physical involvement.  This should be what we want, right?

However, aren’t there times you want to disengage from this fast paced life?  Aren’t there times that you wish that providing for your family and going to church socials was all that was on your agenda?  Aren’t there days that you wish you could produce something more tangible with your own two hands and see the fruits of your labor?  Aren’t there days that you wish technology was gone and you could fully be in the moment?

Many people believe that I am romanticizing the pioneer era and think that if I truly had to live it, it would not be so enjoyable.  And, maybe that is true.  We have to realize that these people really had to work hard for EVERYTHING.  To make a meal they had to go pick up the eggs from the chicken coop, milk the cow, cut the meat from the carcass in the shed, make the bread from scratch, and chop the wood to put in the oven.  Baths were taken once a week from cold water that had to be pumped from the well or dragged up in buckets from the stream and warmed over the stove.  Clothes were infrequently washed on washboards and hung to dry out on the line.  Heat was only produced by firewood in the fireplace or stove and there wasn’t air conditioning.  I don’t even want to think about outhouses and cold winter nights with snakes and spiders hiding in the shadows.  People waited two weeks or more to receive letters from friends and family in distant towns.

But, everything was simple back then.  If you were a male, you got a job and provided for your family.  If you were female, you had a job until you got married and then you stayed home and did the house work and took care of the kids.  Your family was all you had and you didn’t take people for granted.  There wasn’t any technology to waste time on, so in your few spare moments you exercised, sewed, knitted, read, painted, wood worked, etc.  People didn’t have the luxury of being lazy and they knew that time was precious so they didn’t waste it.  They were outside a lot and had pastimes like fishing, hunting, and riding horses. They truly lived in every moment.

Communities were strong and they knew all of their neighbors.  God was essential to their daily lives and the church was what held everyone together.  Everyone made time to read their Bible and pray.  People truly had fellowship with one another.  They broke bread together in their homes and had church potlucks on Sundays.  Kids respected their elders and said “yes or no, sir/ma’am.”  They lived with purpose and no daily act was too small to give God the glory in it.

Now, I know this wasn’t true of everyone who lived back then.  As always, there were a few bad apples.  But, it seems like today hardly anyone treats each other with respect and we live like we have all the time in the world.  Everyone is depressed and not mentally in the moment.  We waste hours a day watching tv or scrolling through social media on our phones.  Jobs are not used to glorify God with the works of our hands anymore, but merely a way to gain a paycheck in-between our weekends spent binge watching or partying.  Not many families are close anymore and most people don’t have deep relationships with friends.  Everything is surface level and not meaningful.  We care more about our likes and number of friends on Facebook than conversing with our neighbors and coworkers.

I wish I could give the gift to everyone 55 years old and younger to live in the 1880’s or early 1900’s for a year.  I think our eyes would open to our true gifts and talents and we would know what it was like to truly trust and praise God in everything.  Yes, our lives would be full of difficult work.  Yes, we might be bored or tired sometimes.  Yes, we could definitely still fail and have hard times.  But, we might just find our real selves and awaken our soul.

LIVE!

Have you ever noticed that live and live are spelled the same?  They mean kind of the same thing, but the word can be a verb, adverb, and an adjective.  We can be live and in the moment, or we can just live.  But, I would say, that to live must mean that you need to be live.  Confusing…but still it makes sense. 

One can just want to exist…or…one can lead something exciting and fulfilling!  State FFA Convention was this week and the theme was to amplify your life.  Each state officer gave their retiring address on what it meant to them to amplify.  One officer in particular said that it is about presence.  Not just being there and existing, but actually being in the moment and doing something.  I’m tired of physically being there, without being mentally engaged.  What is the purpose of being alive if we don’t use this time wisely and with purpose?

My last post hinted on my year long struggle with depression.  I had come to the realization that not everyone was going to like me and I finally realized how many mistakes I was/is/had been making.  Because of this epiphany, I became sullen and disengaged.  I was broken deep down in my heart.  But, the cool thing is that you have to get broken before you can get fixed!

Over the last two months, I have started to realize that God wants way more for my life than what I have been living.  I go to school and then come home and sit on the couch until bedtime.  Wow, how exciting.  No wonder I have been feeling empty.  God has been dragging me to the realization that existing is not the same thing as being live.  If I want to have a true and meaningful relationship with Him or anyone else for that matter, I have to start actually doing things.  I need to start investing in others, not just taking what they have to give.  I need to start exercising, cooking, traveling, writing, riding, etc.  I cannot be the best me sitting like a bum on my couch eating popcorn and watching Home Improvement.  It is ok to relax and take a few minutes for myself every once and awhile, but it is not ok to do nothing.

I found out this week how introverted I still am.  Since my first year in college, I have became a lot more outgoing and friendly than what I ever was in high school.  I remember feeling so scared of what people thought of me that I would never talk, like ever!  I ended up having very few friends and I felt alone.  I spent all of my time with my family and animals, never any friends.  But, in college I was forced to get out and meet people and actually talk.  This week I realized as I was getting breakfast at the hotel that there were still times that I felt like that shy girl in high school.  Instead of going up to the group of very nice agriculture teachers that I’m sure would have welcomed me to the group, I ran to the elevator and ate in my room.  Instead of saying hello to the parents of my students, I pretended that I was in conversation with another student or was looking at something on my phone.  Instead of living, I was checking out.  I could have had meaningful conversations, but instead I sunk away and hid.

I don’t want to live like that anymore.  I want to be fun, engaging, worthwhile, and meaningful.  I want to live with purpose and show the everlasting joy in my life!  I’m tired of tapping out and letting other people take the spotlight or have the fun.  I want to look back on my life and see that I have taken the opportunities God has given me to make a difference, not sit passively by.  I want to get up and do what God has called me to do.  I want to be obedient.

A friend asked me yesterday what I would do if I could change careers.  I said that I want to help people and make a difference in their lives.  I want to motivate people to be the best that they can be.  I want to either speak or write words of encouragement for others…and get paid for it! 🙂  I want to lead other people into deeper relationship with Jesus and ignite the passions they have to lead a more joyful life.

But, how can I do that for others, if I haven’t started doing it myself?  I realized that if that is my goal, then I have to start living it.  If I have the most important truth in my arsenal, but am not sharing it with anyone or showing its power in my life, then do I truly have it?  It is time to make my 26th year on this planet worth it.  I want the next year to be one that I look back 50 years from now and smile on.  I want to do things I have never done before, talk freely with people I don’t know, and be in the best shape I could ever be in.  I want to smile and show that Jesus is inside of me and God is surely active and real!  It is time to get off the couch and fight for what is right, true, and just.  It is time to be live and live!!!!

 

P.S. I have been getting emails from a career specialist named Kathy Caprino.  She gives many insights into why so many people are dissatisfied with their life and their career.  She gives advice on how to shift your perspective and how to change or advance your career by working on yourself.  Even though I don’t think she is a Christian, she still has great advice.  If you are feeling stuck or having problems in your work life, I would definitely suggest getting in touch with her or subscribing to her email list.

It is Time to Honestly Live!

Being alive…sounds simple, right?  Each day we take air into our lungs, our heart is pumping, and our eyes somehow manage to stay open for roughly sixteen hours a day.  But, is the blood flowing through our bodies actually what makes us alive?  Until recently, I thought I was living, but I think this last year I wasn’t alive…I was just existing.

In the words of Beth Moore, last year about this time I got had.  The wool was pulled over my eyes and I got lost.  My heart was broken, my mind was numb, and I couldn’t seriously think to save my life.  I’m pretty sure I fell into what a psychologist would call depression.  It wasn’t just for a day, a week, or a month.  I haven’t really felt like myself in over a year.

I remember feeling full of life, I remember feeling purpose, I remember feeling joyful, and I remember feeling smart.  I used to be a hard worker, a doer, someone who would do everything I could to be the most responsible and reliable person I could be.  I wanted to pursue goals and have fun in life.  I wanted to run, ride horses, read my Bible, bake, knit, write, walk, pray, etc.  I remember being in college and having so much fun and being so excited for the rest of my life to start.

There is a reason why they say stress kills.  Because it does.  Slowly but surely over the past three years something inside of me has changed..scratch that…died.  My passion for my Savior, my gumption to exercise, my willingness to work, and my ability to engage with friends has plummeted….to rock bottom.  I wish I could say this change all happened that day last November when my “had” started.  But, that would be a lie.  I think I have been fooling myself and that day was just when I started to realize that my life was not the way that I wanted it to be.  I finally realized that being a good person is not good enough.  It will not save you for eternity and it will not win over all people.  Some people will always not like you.  You will always make mistakes.

Recovery.  I keep telling myself that it is a process.  I keep telling myself that it is ok to be broken and that is when God is most near to you.  I keep telling myself that I will get my life back together tomorrow.  But, it is hard.  It takes work.  When you don’t feel like doing anything, even the fun stuff, work is exhausting.  Stress piles up and you can’t find your way out.  You know the way you should be…the way you want to be.  But, for some reason, you can’t attain it.  But, why?  Why is God taking me through this desert?  Why do I feel all alone?  Why do I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere?

I open my computer and all of a sudden hours have gone by.  I have spent so many nights scrolling through Facebook, Pinterest, or online shopping.  I am constantly trying to find something to procrastinate doing homework and extra work.  And of course it is not by doing something worthwhile.  I have wasted so much of my life on technology.  Sometimes I wish I could throw the computer in the trash and relieve myself of the temptation.  Besides, all I see on social media is all of these people that are doing something.  They are out having fun with their friends on vacation, they are getting married and having babies, they found an exciting new job in a new state, they just bought a new house and vehicle, they just finished their diy project or cooked this amazing dinner.  How?  How is their life engaging and mine is so blah? Why can’t I get myself to do those things?  Why am I so lazy?

I can’t get my butt to the barn, treadmill, even outside.  My cousin recently asked me how long it had been since I had been outside.  Honestly, besides walking to my car, I couldn’t even think of the last time.  I used to live outside.  I would ride my horses, go running or walking, help my dad on the farm, sit outside on the deck and just enjoy the sunshine.  I need to help my grandparents muck out the barn and scoop snow/mow, but have I done it?  No.  Now, I can’t seem to get off the couch and turn off the TV.  Watching Hallmark movie after Hallmark movie, viewing house after house on HGTV, and seeing episode after episode on Netflix is not all it is cracked up to be.  Not only have I accomplished nothing in my own life, but I feel even worse after watching other people do something with theirs.  The TV really does need to join the computer in the trash.

Being had really wasn’t something that I planned.  I didn’t want to get hurt.  I didn’t want to see my sins exposed.  I didn’t want to know that not everyone likes me.  But, God has used this time.  Even though I still can’t see it, and maybe I never will, I have to still have hope, right?  Things will change.  I will have some excitement.  I will learn to live again.  I will start doing things again.  There has to be water in this desert, right?  “They will neither hunger nor thirst.  The searing sun will not reach them anymore.  For the LORD in his mercy will lead them; he will lead them beside cool waters.” – Isaiah 49:10  I have the rest of my life to not just exist, but to really give it my all because God only gives us one.

I hope this post didn’t make you sad.  But, I’m hoping you feel encouraged to do and to live.  I know it has been therapy for me!  Happy New Year everyone!

 

Active Faith

Sometimes we become stagnant.  Sometimes we backslide.  Sometimes we are straight up lazy.  Sometimes we just need forgiveness.  Today, like many days before, God has slapped me out of my funk and brought me to the realization that I have been trying to play Him.  I have been trying to do everything my way and forget what it means to give my old self up and live my life as a new creation.

The other day I saw an ad on Facebook from this athletic clothes company that has christian messages printed on their shirts and other clothing.  I thought that was awesome, so even though I have plenty of running clothes and they were way too expensive, I bought a couple of shirts and a hoodie from them.  I thought about how if His message was written on my shirt how cool it would be for others to see that I am a Christ follower.  But, sitting here tonight, how I have realized that I was totally thinking like the devil wanted me to!

I shouldn’t need a Bible scripture pasted across the front of my running clothes for someone to know that I am a christian.  They should already know that by my actions!   I believe that our actions speak louder than our words and sometimes we need a heavy dose of reality to remind us of what we have really been doing and showing people lately.  Have we been pursuing Him or have we been sucked up by the ways of this world and living a lie?

Sitting here on my couch tonight I am wearing that new hoodie and on my right wrist there are the words “active faith.”  At first I thought that was just talking about how the store is a faith-based sports company, but then I realized that those words have life and a purpose!  What does it mean to be living out an active faith?  I know it doesn’t just mean working out physically, but working out spiritually.  Just as I cannot become fitter without spending more minutes on the treadmill, I cannot strengthen my relationship with Christ without continuous prayer and Bible reading.

The dictionary gives this definition for the word active:  1.  (of a person) engaging or ready to engage in physically energetic pursuits and 2.  doing things for an organization, cause, or campaign, rather than simply giving it one’s support.  Can I say that I have physically been giving God all that I have?  Can I say that I have been giving God more than just my wayward support?  I started to ask myself:  when have I sat down to read my Bible just to read it and feel closer to Him, when was the last time I lifted my hands to a praise song and felt His presence with me, when was the last time that I gave up something for Him, when was the last time I did something for Him?  If I am not DOING those things, then I cannot be active in my faith.  If I have not gone beyond mere acceptance and knowledge lately to live out my faith, then what is showing my salvation?  It is only through the ACT of repentance and worship that I can be renewed into His likeness and presence.

Last week was rough.  I felt like God had abandoned me to make my decision alone.  I “felt” like I had been asking Him what He wanted me to do, but the truth was that I was trying to do it by myself.  I was faced with a dilemma and because I didn’t follow Christ’s beckoning in the first place, I was majorly broken into pieces.  I “searched” for God everywhere but my Bible and my bended knees.  I asked my fellow sinners for advice, before I asked my Heavenly Father.  If only I had repented of my mistake to begin with and not tried to rebel, how many tears would not have been shed and how I would not have looked like a total fool!  If I would have been ACTIVE in my faith, I would have followed His voice instead of wallowing in depression, guilt, and sadness.  Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy!  My problem is solved and I am right with Him again!

I found a new page on Facebook today of a woman who has really encouraged me.  She has a daily inspirational video or post on her family’s business page and her words are truly God’s words and she is definitely speaking the Truth!  I encourage you to visit their page called JW Hart/Hart Cattle Company on Facebook and I know you will not be disappointed.  Especially if you like rodeo and ranching, this is a page you will like.

Long Time Coming…My True Obsession and Somewhat-Secret Sin.

Happy snowy day to you!  As a teacher, one of the greatest blessings in life is the snow day.  Even though it centers around my arch nemesis, winter, it brings a day of freedom and catching up on things that are desperately piling up.  This is our second day off this week and, even though I am fighting a cold, I have felt a slight release of my stress level.  I truly think I would function 100 times better if I had a four day work week.  The weekend would have one day for rest and catching up with family and friends, one day for work and homework, and one day for household chores.  Maybe someday it will happen!

Many people know that I have a love of food.  I am truly one of the least pickiest eaters in the US.  I have certain preferences, but most of the time I will eat anything and everything in-front of me.  People ask me what my favorite food is and I don’t have an answer because I like everything!  Whether it be fruits, veggies, meat, bread, ethnic foods, cheap or expensive, etc., it is all good and I will eat it!  You would think that I would be this fantastic cook and baker because of my obsession with food, but the truth is I am not.  I really have very little experience in the kitchen, except when it comes to eating.  I try to dabble here and there with new recipes, but most of the time I go to something prepared or super easy.  I tell myself it is because of my lack of time, money, and knowledge, but really it is because I just want to shove food in my mouth as soon as possible.

I have always had a healthy appetite.  Even when I was a little girl I remember having eating contests with my uncles, who happen to be over 6′ and very athletic.  I may be a size small, but boy I can cram a lot of calories into my slight figure.  Everyone says that I am “skinny”, but the truth of the matter is that I have a small bone structure and was lucky that as a youth I was slender.  I am paying for my lifetime of overindulging with every pound that is added on the scale as I get older.  Just because someone isn’t huge, doesn’t make them skinny either.  I am not disgusted with my figure, as I do try to workout on a regular basis, but I do know there is a tremendous amount more that I can be doing for my health.

Example:  I am the girl who loves when there is a birthday or celebration at work because free food is like receiving a gold medal.  Ashamedly, I am the coworker who doesn’t just come in once or twice for a quick snack, but will literally fill up plates four plus times between classes and will clean out the remaining tubs or sacks of treats.  I know the polite thing to do is have a quick bite once and be on my merry way, but there is always something that draws me back many times to gorge myself on the “free” food.  Maybe it is because I am cheap or still in the college mode, but I cannot help but come back again and again.  As I am very grateful for my colleagues’ generosity, I secretly hate the temptation.

I am the poster child for saying no to the things that I don’t need in my life.  I don’t drink alcohol, coffee, or pop.  I don’t smoke and have never tried drugs.  I don’t swear or take the Lord’s name in vain.  I am saving myself for marriage and plan on only dating my future hubby.  I am great on saying no to just about everything…except food.  When it comes to food, I might as well have a sign around my neck that says “she’s a pig”.  If I can say no to something and completely live my life happy without it, then I have no problem giving it up.  But, when it comes to moderation, I literally have no control.  One innocent chip turns into a bag of chips..then a sack of carrots…two popsicles…and half a box of vanilla wafers.  Trust me, it has happened.

Lately, I have been wondering why I have no control over my “passion” for food.  I am a Jesus loving young adult who should be able to abstain from any desire that hinders my relationship with Christ.  Am I just not loving Him enough?  Am I not praying enough?  I know the verses…”Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. -Philippians 3:19″ “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags. -Proverbs 23:20-21” “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. -1 Corinthians 6:19-20”  I know that my actions are not pleasing to God…so why do I still reach for another slice of pizza?  My mom has really tried to help me see when I need to stop eating, but she is completely ineffective when she tells me to stop eating.  In fact, most of the time it fuels me on more.

Lately, I have been doing some research on overeating.  Am I really just a big baby, unable to control myself?  Do I have a medical condition that causes me to overeat?  I have not contacted a physician or a pastor about my sin, but I am really at a point where I think I should.  Some people think that I must not like healthy foods or that I don’t know what a correct portion size looks like.  But, truthfully, I love healthy food, I know how to prepare it, and I know how much and when I should be eating; I just don’t follow the guidelines.  Especially for a straitlaced rule-follower like myself, I am starting to become unglued by my choices.  Satan has really found my weakness and has made himself a spot in my everyday feasting habits.  It disgusts me.

The signs of Binge Eating Disorder are:

  • Frequent episodes of consuming very large amounts of food but without behaviors to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting.
  • A feeling of being out of control during the binge eating episodes.
  • Feelings of strong shame or guilt regarding the binge eating.
  • Indications that the binge eating is out of control, such as eating when not hungry, eating to the point of discomfort, or eating alone because of shame about the behavior.

Yep….

The signs of Compulsive Overeating Disorder are:

  • Hiding food
  • Binge eating
  • Eating when full
  • Eating in private due to embarrassment or shame
  • Fixation with body weight, shape or size
  • Eating more rapidly than normal
  • Habitual dieting
  • Rapid fluctuations in weight

Yep….

So, what does that mean?  Am I actually “sick” or do I need to just pull on my cowboy boots, suck it up, and get over it?  I’m sure every overweight or skinny-fat person deals with these problems.  I need to find a way to combat my issues and get rid of the foot-hold the devil has on this sin.

Stress I think is one of my biggest triggers.  I don’t have control over my ever increasing amount of work and homework to do, plus I feel completely inadequate at my job; therefore, I think I eat partly to relieve some of my stress and anxiety.  Even though after I do eat to relieve stress I feel tremendously guilty afterward and that just gets me eating more to make my feelings go away.  Obviously, that is a vicious cycle.  Ugh…I hate complaining.

(Alright, quick switch because I am tired of ranting and need to start doing my homework) On a brighter note:

Last summer I bought myself a Fitbit Flex and I have just now started to use it.  Frankly, I love the thing!  It tracks my steps and my sleep patterns, plus I go online to their website and log all of my food.  It is really a fantastic tool for getting healthy, as long as you actually use it.  Hopefully this, along with lots of prayer, will be the stepping stone to finding peace with my gluttony issues.

Thanks for hearing me vent!  Have a fantastic and safe winter day!